Get More Done, with More Love, More Calm, More Focus

Mary Lynn Ziemer reminds us to be patient as the route to a calmer mindset and better performance.

Eric Lofholm talked this morning (see the 05.25.20 post) about how to avoid overload. Among his “staying positive” tips are to focus on what’s at hand now, in each moment. Then, in the next moment, focus on what’s to be done in that moment. Thinking about everything you have to do today, or this week, creates overload. Focusing on one thing at a time eliminates overload. Thinking about the day’s or week’s work Is for planning the day or week before it begins.

Ziemer’s and Lofholm’s reminders are very closely linked. In order to keep the focus Eric recommends, you must have the inner calm and patience Mary Lynn recommends. Impatience can easily lead to trying to focus on more than one thing – not very effective. The whole concept of focus is lost when when the “focus” is on several things, instead of one.

To reach the inner calm, she suggests feeling more love. She recommends a step-by-step method to help you do this.

This progression from love to calm to patience to focus on the task at hand is all about mindset. Many people, especially some who want to move fast and furiously, are impatient with the concept of mindset. They think “I don’t have time to work on mindset. I just want to get on with action”. That approach may feel effective in the moment. It leads to trying to “multi-task”, and ultimately to overload. It’s been shown time and again that multi-tasking is ineffective.

To explore other aspects of mindset, you may want to explore my March, April and May posts. We’ve focused on mindset from many points of view, as we considered how to weather the COVID-19 challenge. What works in the most challenging times serves you well any time as you strive to be more effective.

Why do Companies Complicate their Customers’ Lives?

Based on an article originally published March 3, 2018

When you call a company’s customer service number or, worse, their sales line, how do you like it if you have to go through multiple automated menus and then wait on hold for ten minutes or longer? Does it encourage you to do more business with them? How do you feel about recommending such a company to a friend?

Ever since automatic answering systems became the norm, it’s been a mystery to me why companies who should know better put their customers through this.

Strangely, some of the worst offenders are “communication” companies, such as Verizon. Long automated phone menus and long waits on hold are hardly parts of good communication. This is a large part of the reason I departed Verizon’s service last summer. It’s all part of the subject of customer friction, which is our topic this week.

How to Give Your Customers the Best Experience

Constant Contact, who publishes my newsletter, where this article originally appeared, is certainly one of the better known email managers. They came recommended to me when I needed such a service.

As a notably un-savvy guy technically, I often run into technical issues that are “above my pay grade”.

When I call Constant Contact, there’s a brief menu of a few items to choose the subject of my call. Fortunately for me (and most likely by design, since it’s probably the reason for most calls), the first choice is “email marketing”. Then it’s rarely more than 15 seconds before I have a person on the line who can help me, and they almost always do so expeditiously.

This week Josh Linkner, serial entrepreneur and professor, addresses customer friction. Friction happens every time a customer has to click something, sign something (especially multiple times!) meet with somebody, or endure any other impediment to smooth flow. Certainly it’s true that many purchases necessarily require choices to be made (model, color, size, special features, etc.). Some parts of this process may actually be enjoyable (and can be made more so, if handled properly). Others are necessary and not so pleasant. Here’s where it’s worthwhile studying, experimenting, and tweaking the process to streamline it every bit as much as possible.

You can bet your competitors are streamlining their processes. Your improvements in customer-friendliness can make the difference between a prospect choosing you or one of your competitors!

One of the efforts to mitigate the long phone waits has recently become, “Leave your number and we’ll call you back between 38 and 54 minutes from now”. In my view, if waits have routinely become so long that this is necessary, you should make more people available! The companies who use such systems seem to employ them most of the time, so more people would not be idle much, and think how much happier their customers would be!

Friction is what’s missing at Constant Contact. You may be sure that, impatient sort that I am, If I had to go through 2 or 3 levels of complex menus when I called, and then wait several minutes on hold before I talked with someone, I’d long ago have looked for an alternate service. No doubt other companies do a good job, perhaps some as good as Constant Contact. Since they’ve provided such a satisfactory experience for me, I’ve found no occasion to sample the others.

This is how good business is done.

Opinions are Like an Obscure Spot in Your Anatomy

Everybody has one. Few are interested in yours.

I hope you’re finding constructive ways of accommodating the changes forced on us in these crazy times. Remember that every cloud has a silver lining. When you;re handed a lemon, make lemonade. Here’s a more complete reminder of that mindset from a few issues ago.

Last week, I had pretty well decided that today’s The Unity Community would be about opinions.

With perfect timing, Minda Zetlin sent me this on Thursday. I’m often amazed by the timely and unexpected appearance of something that exactly fits current needs.

We all have opinions about many things in life. Other people’s behaviors, lifestyles and traits often generate opinions. Or religion or politics may be your favorite. Many people offer their opinions In ways that are unwelcome to others. To improve the chances your opinion will be received positively, try these tips.

  • State clearly that “this is my opinion”, not “fact”. This makes it clear that others’ opinions have validity for you. That you’re open to hearing them. If you give the impression you’re not interested in others’ opinions, they won’t be interested in yours.
  • Be sure you state your opinion only where it fits into the conversation. (E.g., a comment about politics rarely has a place in a conversation about dietary concerns.)
  • Never demand that others agree with your opinion. Dale Carnegie famously reminded us, “A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still”. You’re unlikely to convince anyone of your opinion. In addition, you make yourself unpopular at the same time.
  • If someone makes it clear they’re not interested in your opinion, keep it to yourself. In that case, stating your opinion is sure to make you a pariah. Also your opinion has “0” chance of being seriously considered.

As Minda points out, your opinion of others’ habits, traits or lifestyles can label you. You may be OK with that. If you aren’t, you should probably keep still.

Throwing opinions around carelessly is a habit of some people. As with any habit, changing it requires practice. If this is you, know that you will slip up sometimes. Remind yourself regularly to adjust your delivery of opinions if you want them received positively.

Hope this helps you or someone you know find better ways of offering your opinions. Or, maybe not offering them, depending on circumstances.

How do You Feel, Facing a New Challenge?

Do you delight in heaping praise on your kids for how smart they are? Or how talented?

If you solve a puzzle, do you look for a tougher challenge, a more difficult puzzle?

Do you believe your, or someone else’s, personality is what you, or they, were born with? This was our topic a couple of weeks ago.

Have you noticed athletes whose mistakes crush them? Who can’t get “back in the game” quickly?

Recently I was introduced to the book, Mindset – The New Psychology of Success, by Carol S. Dweck.

Dweck’s premise is that some people have “fixed” mindsets. Others have “growth” mindsets. Which are you? In reality, most people have a mix, but lean mostly one way or the other. We’re likely to have one mindset sometimes, and the other one other times.

As a primary school teacher, and a tireless researcher, Dweck has studied these differences most of her life.

When you hear statements like:

  • I’m no good with technology
  • I can’t learn French, or Spanish
  • I can’t drive a car with a manual transmission

You’re hearing the result of a fixed mindset, one that believes they have, or don’t have, a certain talent.

When you hear:

  • With some research, and maybe a class, I’ll figure out technology to the extent that I need it.
  • I’m anxious to dig into a language that will be useful, or interesting, to me.
  • Can you help me learn to drive a car with a clutch?

You’re hearing someone with a growth mindset.

The good news is, you’re not “stuck” with one or the other. Dweck reports that her own mindset has evolved from fixed in her childhood to growth as she matured. And of course as she studied mindsets.

In grasping these ideas it’s important to first understand the basics. You’ll need a solid understanding of some terms she uses, and her fundamental concept. After you’ve accomplished that, a couple of chapters stand out for me. These chapters highlight situations where the concepts are easy to see in action.

  • In chapter 3 she discusses the importance of a growth mindset in parents and teachers of young children. Kids, with their young absorptive minds, take signals from what adults say to them. If they’re scolded when they make a mistake, they learn quickly not to make mistakes. Of course this means, “don’t take on anything too difficult”. What if they’re praised for their talents – how easily they did something? They learn that quick performance is better than working hard to learn something difficult.
  • In chapter 7, we learn the results of the two mindsets in coaches of sports teams. She describes three well-known college basketball coaches, All had moments of success.
    • Bobby Knight of the Indiana Hoosiers won a lot of championships. His success was sporadic.
    • John Wooden led the UCLA Bruins from a 3rd-rate status to 10 championships in 12 years. He was arguably the “winningest” NCAA coach ever.
    • Pat Summitt coached the Tennessee Lady Vols. She started with a Bobby Knight (explosive, inconsistent) style. She evolved into recognizing losses as learning opportunities.
  • I’m sure you can see, even without reading more detail, where the fixed and growth mindsets were.
  • In chapter 7 she also discusses “false” growth mindsets. She covers a couple of misunderstandings about what is a growth mindset.

I leave you with that much introduction and summary of Carol Dweck’s great work. For me it’s a unique examination of the ingredients of real success. I hope you find it equally compelling.

What do You Hate in Others’ Behaviors?



Recently I connected with John Patrick Morgan through an introduction from another coach I work with. He actually goes by JP Morgan. JP sings to quite a different drummer than the storied banker of the same name. Related? I don’t know.

JP has some wonderful insights into life and what make us human beings what we are. Today I focus on a recent essay where he suggests we hate in ourselves the same traits we dislike in others.

Do you have a friend, or a spouse, that talks too much? Talks too little? Tells stories badly? If these things trouble you in that person, take a careful look. You probably dislike that in yourself. Or you fear the possibility that you might exhibit the same behavior.

Over the past several years I’ve noted this often. When I see that I may be guilty of what I object to in others, I work to avoid that behavior myself. Then it troubles me much less in others than it did. This often happens even if I’m not totally successful in eliminating the tendency myself. Just facing the issue head-on makes it less scary.

JP takes this concept one step further. He recommends actually striving to become the behavior you object to. It’s freeing! In the 9-minute video attached to the article, he describes behaviors that he hated in his wife. When he embraced the behaviors, the concern became a non-issue for him.

This is something I’ll have to experiment with. Likely you will too. Counter-intuitive as this idea is, it makes kind of perverse sense to try it out. Your distaste for something often goes away when you embrace it.

So give it a try! Next time someone does something that bugs you, think about it and try out JP’s approach. Obviously (I think) I would not recommend this for dishonest or belligerent behavior!

Who are You? Who Will You Become?

Personality Traits, and Traits of those Traits


This week, I listened to a fascinating interview with Dr. Benjamin Hardy. Dr. Hardy is launching his new book, Personality isn’t Permanent: Break Free from Self-Limiting Beliefs and  Rewrite Your Story. Tibor Nagy of Mindset Horizon conducted the interview. I’ve worked extensively with Ben through his AMP (Accelerated Momentum Program) project. I find his ideas very valuable.

The interview podcast is about 50 minutes long. Many of you will want to skip through it to get some key points. Here I note some times in the interview which will help you do that. The text below the podcast banner lists links to Hardy’s and other books mentioned.

3:10 – Nagy begins his introduction of Dr. Hardy

10:45 – Ben begins describing the ideas that inspired his first book Will Power Doesn’t Work.

13:40 – Ben and Tibor begin a discussion of how one’s identity is built. What factors affect one’s identity – how one identifies as an entrepreneur.

15:30 – Ben starts explaining that your personality continually evolves. You’re a different person from who you were a year ago, 10 years ago, etc. You will be a different person at any point in the future from who you are now. You can learn to design your future self.

20:00 – Ben begins to discuss journaling and how it can help you design your future self. Over the years I’ve started journaling several times, and never stayed with it. I think that’s because I didn’t know how to do it properly, nor solid reasons for doing it. Now, Ben has helped me see those methods and reasons. I would sorely miss journaling if I stopped now, after several months of regular journaling.

23:30 – Ben mentions a Harvard psychologist, Daniel Gilbert, who did a great 6-minute TED talk. He says people spend too much time thinking about their past, too little time imagining their future. They may agree that human beings are works in progress. However, they often believe they themselves are “finished”.

25:15 – Nagy asks Ben to talk about his objections to personality profiling tests. Ben discusses research showing that the tests don’t produce an accurate result. He considers them “junk science”. Also, why they lead to a fixed mindset – a belief in a personality “cast in stone”. With these beliefs, many people live mediocre lives.

36:20 – The two begin to discuss distinctions around “fixed” vs. “growth” mindsets.

44:00 – They talk briefly about confidence, what it is, why it matters, and what affects it.


The question all this brings up for me is: You’re going to evolve with time. Would you rather let it happen by chance, or design it?!

Are You a Problem Solver?

In this article, I turn again to Dennis Hooper. You may remember him from a few months ago. His topic then was how to choose a coach.Dennis has experience in large organizations and in small ones. He loves helping people work together in harmony. 

Dennis recently caught my eye with this article on the subject of giving advice. His point is, whatever value you see in your advice, it’s important to be careful where you offer it. Be sure it’s welcome. If you’re not sure, ask. He suggests some language for how to ask.

Just in the past week, I saw a chance to “help” someone through a social situation. Another friend suggested I think about how my help would be received. I decided against it because I wasn’t sure if my suggestions would be welcome.  If they aren’t they won’t help. In the coming days or weeks, perhaps I’ll see an opportunity to ask about that.

This situation planted the seed that grew into this issue of The Unity Community. Dennis’ article added impetus to the idea.

This newsletter offers advice and suggestions nearly every week. You have all implicitly invited my advice by subscribing to the letter. If you prefer not to receive my advice, please feel free to click the “unsubscribe” link at the bottom of this message. Every week, one or two people do that. It doesn’t trouble me at all. What I offer isn’t for everyone. I’m interested in being helpful and supportive, to those who want help.

In his message, Dennis offers Tony Alessandra’s “platinum rule”, an embellishment of the “golden rule”. The golden rule says “Treat others as you would like to be treated”. The platinum rule changes one word in that: “Treat others as they would like to be treated”. Of course sometimes you don’t know exactly how they’d like to be treated. It’s safer to ask than to assume your input is welcome.

In a recent effort to better define my personal mission, I arrived, after some thought, at:

“I make a positive contribution to every transaction and relationship I participate in.”

In pursuit of that mission, I had arrived at the platinum rule myself, though I didn’t so name it. I think “platinum rule” is an excellent name, and I thank Tony for coining it, and Dennis for offering the rule as guidance.

Think carefully about where you share suggestions and advice. However helpful you think an idea to be, it may be unwelcome to someone else. You won’t be helping if you make them feel inadequate. You won’t improve anything if they see you as invading their privacy. As helpful as you may think you are, offering advice where it’s unwelcome won’t help anyone. It may damage or even destroy a relationship.

Enjoy Dennis’ advice here, if you’re open to it.

Who Makes You Happy?

(Published in The Unity Community in June 2018)

Last year (2017) I discussed here some aspects of happiness and its causes (hint: look in the mirror). 

This week, we’ll take another look at what leads to happiness from a slightly different perspective, and arrive at the same conclusion. You can choose to be happy…or not, independent of outside factors. Sure, you won’t feel very happy when a loved one has a bad accident or dies. You’ll react to such events from a much stabler base, though, if you’re a fundamentally happy person. And you can decide right now to be that person.

In large part being internally happy is the result of living life with integrity, knowing you’re doing the right thing in your own honest opinion. 

Not someone else’s opinion

Not because it looks good to someone (or everyone) else

But because you know it’s right.

Do you enjoy your own company? That’s a pretty good test!

Your reaction to external factors (relationships with people, things, or achievements) are the  results of true internal happiness, rather than the causes.

Want to be Happier?

Here’s Rose Walker, a coach I recently “met” on LinkedIn,  discussing the “proper” source of happiness

Many people tend to depend for their happiness on their significant other, their friends, their parents, their children, even their compatriots at work.

Get this! In all things in life, YOU are responsible. Other people, possessions, achievements, travel experiences, etc, can certainly add spice to life.  Those enhancements are the icing on the cake. If the cake is not good, all the sweet icing in the world won’t make it good. 

Life is the same way. Adding nice relationships and experiences is great if you have a solid foundation as an internally happy person. Otherwise they’re empty and fleeting. No amount of them will make you happy. You’ve got to be happy first.

Entrepreneur? Or Just Another Business Person?

(Published in The Unity Community newsletter in January 2019)


Norm Brodsky
, who writes a regular column in Inc. magazine, has a very interesting story for us for this issue

He and his wife stopped by a store where Linda Pagan manufactures and sells ladies’ hats. 

Linda makes some very broad-brimmed hats that many people like for outdoor events. Since she includes boxes with all her hats, she needs larger than normal boxes for these hats. 

She took the “bull by the horns” and helped her box supplier develop the capacity  to produce these outsized boxes. The supplier hadn’t identified the market for such hat boxes. She did, and stepped up to make it happen, with benefit to herself and other marketers, the box supplier, and the customers.

This is the way business should be done – win-win-win! It’s how a market economy generates wealth. 

Through cooperative effort, everybody benefits. Linda, the box supplier and other milliners earn a profit by selling their wares for more than it costs to make them. The customers get the hats worth more to them than the money they pay for them.

So here’s the difference between an entrepreneur and another business person. Many people start a “business” which is really just a job for them. They don’t answer to a boss per se (except their customer), but they’re selling what others sell, with few if any unique features.

Those who identify and fill a gap, or space for a product or service that nobody is offering, are entrepreneurs. Others compete with existing suppliers without offering anything new. They must compete on price, delivery time, or other mundane features of their product or service. They have much more competition than the entrepreneur does.

Enjoy Norm’s story about entrepreneur Linda Pagan. This insight may be useful to better understand and explain the difference between entrepreneurs and other business people.

What Makes Experience a Better Teacher?

We’ve talked a lot about mindset in the last several issues of this letter. I’m sure some among you think all this mindset talk is “woo-woo” pointless chatter. 

“Just get on with the program!” you may say. I assure you, there’s abundant science supporting the idea that mindset affects performance. It also affects life satisfaction and happiness.

Effective “getting on with the program” requires a positive mindset. Are you working with an abundance, rather than scarcity, mindset? Focusing on solutions, rather than problems? If so, you’re in the most effective mindset. If you’re focusing on scarcity and problems, you’re not as effective as you may think! For sure, not as effective as you could be.

A few mindset-related concepts this week:

  • Reflection makes the most of experience.
  • Worry does nothing to fix what you’re worrying about. We have a quick recipe for dispelling worry.
  • Happy positive people are happy whether they’re materially wealthy or not.

Here’s Karyn Danielle on the topic of reflection. She begins by citing this quote:

We do not learn from experience, we learn from reflecting on our experience.” – John Dewey

Careful reflection can bring to light: 

  • What went well. 
  • What we can improve upon. 
  • Where life worked against us despite our best effort. 
    • Celebrate that effort, even if the outcome was less desirable than you hoped for. You gave it your best shot!

Karyn expands on that idea – all part of the concept of a positive mindset. 

Worry detracts from performance. Worry is nothing more or less than negative expectations. It’s a negative mindset. If you find yourself worrying about something:

  • Explore what you can do about it. Then do it – take positive steps.
  • If there’s nothing you can do about it, decide to accept the outcome, whatever it is.
    • Be on the lookout for anything you can do to mitigate its effect on you. Do that thing.
    • Then stop worrying.
    • Get on with the things you can do in the rest of your life.

The scare about the coronavirus is a perfect situation for practicing this.

There are many negative people who make lots of money or show other signs of success. Usually their “success” is short-lived, and they lead unhappy lives. 

Annette Bau has studied happy people enjoying life and those who fight it. Each category includes some who have money. And others who struggle financially. In 30 years of study, she’s found it’s all about mindset! Money, or other trappings of “success”, don’t make unhappy people happy. They just result in unhappy people with lots of stuff!

Focus on things you can control – especially your mind!